One of those tough questions kids ask has come up again and
again over the past few months in our house as multiple friends have been
touched by the loss of loved ones. In various forms —
Ima,
what does death mean?
How do you explain death to a three and a half year old? I
don't have a good answer. I think a large part of this is because I am so
uncomfortable and scared of death myself. I don't handle it well. I can offer
hugs and prayers and food but the deeper stuff, the emotional recognition of
what happened, I tend not to want to touch myself.
So
how to explain a concept like death while also cultivating the emotional
recognition of needing to grieve, to be uncomfortable, to be unhappy when all
you want in the world is to make your child feel safe and loved?
I'm trying not to hide from it. Kalev and I have talked
about it but I don't think I'm giving really good or satisfying answers, for
either of us. We have prayed for our friends, for the families of the boys
killed in Israel, and Kalev has asked God to help these people. I assume he
says this because he has heard me ask God for this kind of assistance before.
As part of our general parenting philosophy, Matt and I believe in modeling
ourselves what we want Kalev to do so it makes sense that if we want Kalev to
be comfortable praying to God about death and talking about death with others
we first need to model how that looks. So I plan to continue modeling talking
about how these friends are sad and hurting and that they welcome our thoughts
and prayers, colored pictures and hugs.
But when he asked if my friend’s daddy is coming back ...
No sweetie, he isn't. When does the understanding sink in? We are going to the
funeral Saturday. Will he understand what's going on? Will he get why everyone
in the church is permeated with sadness? He will sense it, how could he not?,
but to really understand what it means for someone to be there one day then not
ever again, I don't know when that understanding comes. And for us parents, I
don’t know how to strike that balance between sharing on one hand and allowing a degree of
fear to enter into his life on the other (we can't live in a bubble after all) without
letting the fear of death swamp him (Am I going to die? Are you going to die?
If someone is sick will they die?).
For some guidance I turned to google, as I often do. Here
are some of the articles I found helpful:
So it sounds like directness and honesty is needed, stating
that death is final and can’t be undone or changed, unlike being sick or
sleeping. Acknowledge their fears and ensure that they still feel safe and
secure. Sit with them through their grief if they need it (Kalev is more
removed from these deaths so I haven’t noticed any grief, but I do anticipate
some fear and confusion).
All that is well and fine but I want more (don’t we
always?). Since thoughts of my friends’ grief have really remained in my heart
and mind these past few weeks I’ve really been thinking about this topic a lot.
I’ve found appreciation for how our Jewish tradition of saying Kaddish (the
mourners’ prayer) can perhaps provide something with that added connection that
I’ve been searching for. The
Reform Judaism article describes this connection
well when it defines the Kaddish as: “
Prayer that is part of every service
that people say to honor the memory of a loved one. Prayer does not mention
death, rather praises God, reminding that we mourn now and have sadness, life
is god and that love and joy can be our again.” I feel the repetition of this prayer shows the importance of thinking
and honoring those that have passed away. And it does so in a communal way. I
think it’s helpful to show our children that the whole community grieves with
you when a family member or friend dies. I think as Kalev ages he can start to
make this connection and feel part of a community of mourners, doing his part
by saying the prayer even when it’s not for someone he knows personally.
From the articles I mentioned above I found two passages especially meaningful and which I want to incorporate into our family discussion and how
we view death:
“
Our tradition stresses that joy and pain, happiness and tears
are parts of life. In every prayer service, at every Festival, at every wedding
we remember those who died, reminding ourselves that even amidst celebration we
are aware of the potential for loss and the contributions of those no longer
with us. Similarly at a funeral service or a shiva, it is natural for there to
be tremendous sadness and tears but we also stress the need and healthiness of
turning back to life, to being able to love again and to find happiness again.”
http://www.reformjudaism.org/talking-children-about-death-0
I wonder, have you talked to your children about death?
Prepped them before a funeral so they knew what to expect and what was going
on?
Most of the time I look down at my son and want to preserve
his innocence, cuddling him close and hoping that his happiness and trust in
life remains strong. But I know that it is my responsibility to prepare him for
life, to give him the tools in which to live contently and well, and part of that
is learning how to handle grief. So I need to figure out a
way to honor this responsibility while honoring his needs. And always honoring
those that are directly experiencing the loss and the memory of those that have
left us.
Karen, Kathryn, Sandy, Alysa, Mary we hold you and your
families in our hearts and minds. We still struggle to understand what’s going
on, how to talk about it and let you know how we feel, but we are thinking of you. May the memory of your loved ones forever be a blessing.
